We are all #HurtBae
Whether you empathized with #HurtBae or chastised her, we have all been there in some way or another. Whether it was giving someone another chance to hurt us and calling it closure or staying with a cheating partner, we've experienced this hurt.
In the video titled "He Cheated on Her. Now She Wants to Know Why," a broken Kourtney sits across from an unfazed Leonard discussing their old yet seemingly fresh relationship. They take us through the beginning of their relationship and how they met with smiles then it takes a turn for the worse and she starts telling us about his infidelity. She says "and sometimes you would lie and just say like oh that's not true, you don't know what you're talking about. And you said like oh I'll stop, but then you didn't." It's easy for us to say this is when she should have left, but when we're wrapped up in the stories they've carefully crafted for us, logic escapes us. We've all accepted comforting lies, regardless of the caliber.
One time I went to his room and he had someone else in his room and he told me to leave. And I went back to my room and I just cried like the whole night. And I think I went a little while without talking to you and then you said something like oh I'm sorry I'm not gonna do it again.
But he did it again, he lied. And it's all too easy to say that she should have left here too, but hindsight is 20/20. She's probably more capable of accepting now what she couldn't then. Looking at the video, it seems like common sense. Looking in, we're able to disconnect and say what we would have done but looking at our own relationships with a magnifying glass, there are many times we could have walked away but stayed. I say this to say: be gentle with her, be gentle with yourself.
Leonard, as fuckboys do, blames her for how the relationship changed. He says there was a point where the relationship wasn't the same. He states Kourtney would always go through his phone while ignoring the fact that he and his actions were the reason she was going through his phone. Not to mention she was actually finding dirt. Then he asks her "if you would go to that measure to find whatever. Why didn't you just leave?" and she says "I don't know, I think I was like, stupid." We all know this moment. She didn't stay because she was stupid, she stayed because she loved him and she confused struggle with strength. We as women convince ourselves to fight for relationships that don't deserve our effort, for men who don't match our effort and for what? Heart ache. She asks him how many times he cheated on her and he answers with a heart shattering "I wasn't counting."
She walks away in tears and comes back to the ultimate fuckboy game- the one that keeps us coming back. We know it all too well, he says to her: "It had more to do with me just not being able to commit. Because I didn't, at the time, I really didn't want to. I think just sometimes we're not on the same page. There's nothing that you could have done differently that I think would have prevented it. I think that you did everything that you needed to do to be a good girlfriend and I was lucky to have someone like you." This is the part where we pick and choose what we want to hear. Let's be honest, we hear "at the time," and "I think that you did everything that you needed to do to be a good girlfriend and I was lucky to have someone like you" then we forgive and hope for change. Like clockwork, she says "I don't think you're a bad guy because you cheated. I forgave you." And when asked why, she says "because you're my best friend." Notice the tense?
He continues with "I apologize for hurting you and I hope in the future we can remain good friends and I get a chance to see you grow into the woman that you're becoming." In all of our hearts, we wanted her to say "boy. bye" accompanied by the meanest side eye and the most you thought walk away ever but it didn't work out that way, instead, he breaks her once more before the video ends telling us they regularly talk. Leonard is a prime fuckboy, who was in it for the chase. He pursued her even after she made her lack of interest clear, got her and broke her repeatedly for his own selfish reasons. He entered a relationship with her to tear her heart to shreds and say he wasn't ready for commitment. He only asks her two questions in the nearly 7 minute video. He asks her why she didn't leave and why she forgave him. This gives us insight into the phenomenon that is the fuckboy. It's sociopathic- his entire demeanor, lack of understanding/ empathy and need to know what made her stay. His self-hate is apparent, his need to control is poignant and his blank stare is unbearable. Yet despite his issues, she remained friends with him. How many guys should you have blocked yet you gave the chance to keep contacting you? How many times did you let someone back in before you realized you were picking the scabs of old wounds? How many times did you stay and hope something would change? We are #HurtBae. The good thing about negative experiences, though, is that they are lessons we can learn from and hopefully never repeat.
Article by Olivia Steadman-Oladipo